Allow me to start by saying, at the very least, there should be music in the bathroom. The bathroom at work. The public one. The thing is, I didn’t used to be so squeamish about public restrooms. At least I don’t remember being so. Hell, in the Navy boot camp I attended there weren’t any stall doors, or even stalls for that matter. One just sat there, doing one’s business, carrying on a perfectly natural conversation with the guy doing his business right next to you. I honestly don’t recall if any of my mates, evacuating their bowels in full view of anyone wandering around the head, made much of a racket. It’s likely that a racket was made, but was laughed at and/or celebrated. After all, a man’s sense of humor fully matures by age five, so farts and bowel noises never stop being funny. That is, however, until now.

Fast forward from the halcyon days of boot camp (sarcasm intended) to modern day corporate America, a group of which I am currently a member. Despite the change in affiliation I am still a user of a communal restroom, in this case on a floor of the office high rise in which I am employed in Cincinnati. It should be known that the men’s restroom of which I speak is particularly well-trafficked, as is the women’s, I suspect. The latter I can’t say for sure because, for obvious reasons, I haven’t made the effort to affect an accurate count of those entering and exiting the lady’s room. Anecdotally, I would say the woman to man ratio on the floor is about equal, so it’s quite possible the action in their bathroom is roughly equal to that of the men’s, but since I have spent no time hovering about the door to the ladies’ room making tick marks on a legal pad, I can only speak to the off-putting behaviors occurring in the restroom I personally frequent. For all I know it could be worse over there, in the women’s room, but thus far the rumor mill has been completely silent on this topic.  Regardless, I believe in potty-parity, so whatever fixes I propose for men’s room apply to the women’s as well.

To make the case for piped-in music I will start with the lesser of two bathroom evils I have personally observed. I can say with confidence that the men’s room, or at least the stalls in the men’s room, are used for more than just the discharge of bodily waste. The reason I can say this with confidence is because the gentlemen occupying the stalls at any given point during the day often seem to take an inordinate amount of time to complete the task at hand, at least in my book. I myself have spent precious, and simultaneously unnecessary, extra minutes playing Sudoku on my phone long after the toilet’s intended use has been fulfilled. And why not? Why not take a couple minutes to hide in a safe and stress-free environment surrounded by clean, tiled walls and bright lighting, far away from the tension of my desk? No, I will not be the first to throw stones for taking a mental health moment. My complaint is one of public comportment and propriety. Mine is a complaint of need versus acceptable behavior, which brings me to the second, true evil, and my point generally.

Put simply, I am, at times, aghast at what I hear in the restroom, and am amazed that we in the Western World have not developed sufficient technology to mask the all-too-human cacophony oftentimes emanating from the stall next to me. Even under the best of circumstances, bearing auditory witness to such a thing is embarrassing enough when one is unsure of the stall’s occupant, but is doubly so if said occupant happens to be your boss, or anyone at all in your direct chain of command. Indeed, it has occurred to me that avoiding this very situation is the basis for the creation of the executive wash room. God knows no underling wants to hear these particular sounds, inherent in a massive discharge, coming from their boss’ bottom, especially if you must pass their office on the way back to yours, or at any time during the day. How is one to have a serious discussion with a superior after that, I ask?

The answer is that one cannot, which is why something must be done. Now, I’m not saying “something must be done” in the sense that the problem requires any governmental action in any way. Let’s just leave our local/state/federal officials out of this one. What I’m saying is that this is a malady easily cured by modern technology. For instance, on my floor we have noise-cancelling technology throughout, except in the place where it is most needed. Why not in the bathroom? Why not some sort of “white noise” machine in there? Really, anything would help. I have an airline pilot friend that, while he is flying and away from home, will not evacuate for days at a time, instead waiting until he returns to the safety and familiarity of his en suite toilet back at the house before taking care of business. One of his stated reasons for this anomalous behavior is that he doesn’t want to hear, or be heard, by other humans. I take him at his word on this particular topic (though I suspect there’s something far more deep-seated going on in the depths of his psyche.) Still and all, his disposition supports my crusade for a musically-enhanced experience.

So there you have it. It is common for restaurants to pipe music into their restrooms. Why not do the same in office buildings? While the music may not completely drown out the offending sounds, it would at least give the otherwise unwilling listener something on which to focus which, in and of itself, may be all the blessing necessary to maintain a healthy respect for our coworkers. If it’s good enough for McDonalds and for my local watering hole, it should qualify as a valid consideration for a corporation employing tens of thousands. I mean, for God’s sake, if it’s good enough for an elevator, where little potentially embarrassing behavior occurs, it should be good enough for the bathroom, where privacy is paramount. Let’s start a revolution.